Today is the three year anniversary of Ricardo’s death. I woke up to Facebook sharing a memory of three years ago: my announcement of his passing to friends and family and all the comments that came from them that day.

Still laying in bed, I started thinking how different my life was three years ago, on this same day. How sad that Saturday was and, also, what a relief I felt that Ricardo was not suffering anymore.

I remembered that this last night I spent in his bedroom, holding his hand and hearing his laborious breathing, getting more and more noisy till the point I decided to move to my bed and rest a bit, not knowing how long he needed me to care for him.

At 8 am, the monitor was silent. No lights, no noises. My heart started beating louder, stronger, and I ran to the bedroom to check on him. I found his lifeless body still warm.

I don’t consider myself religious but I do care a great deal about energy, spiritual and a greater power, or whatever you want to call it. I talked to him, I lit a candle and dressed him with his soccer team jersey, as requested.

I phoned friends and spoke to family members in Brazil. I cried. A lot.

I told my then 5 year old son that his dad was dead and he took his time to say goodbye and to satisfy some curiosity about a dead body. It seems morbid, but it was not. The body was dead but his soul was free and certainly looking after us.

Fast forward three years and here we are, living our lives and sharing Ricardo’s memory with friends and family. A ritual we will be doing for a long time, if not the rest of our lives. Life is good and, for the most part, happy.

My son is now 8 years old and we talk about his dad as freely as we can and very often. We celebrate his birthday every October 8th with a dinner. We constantly comment on his son’s similar abilities that makes him that much alive, not to mention physical similarities.

I miss Ricardo every single day of my life. But, no. This is not a bad thing. It is fantastic to have chosen such a special person to be my son’s dad and share life with.

Thank you, my love. Wherever you are, be free and know that you are loved forever.